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DAVIDKOLBAIA
23
“WithwhomIfought,werenotworththefight.
ToolateIdiscoveredthisfallacy.”
Ijustfeelthesame.Andthen,Iwilllearnatlastthatallmytorment
andanguishwasmeaningless!Yes,meaningless!OhGod,saveme!Give
methestrengthtowardofftheevilspirit!
Thursday,9December
TodayisThursday,andthetimegoesthesameasitwentbefore.
Ihavereadnothing,experiencednothing,andnothingimportantIhave
done.TodaytheMajordidnotapprovemyGermanspeaking:Fensterzu,
ЗакройтеокноFensterauf,Lichtaus,ОткрытоеокноMesserauf.Ido
notknowwhatmoretowrite.Iamdefinitelyfallingintoanabyss,know-
ingnothingofwhatshallbecomeofme!
Sunday,12December
Andthisweekhaspassed.ThedaysgobyandIamfilledwithdiscon-
tent.Ihavenotreadanythingmemorableandinterestingthisweek.Noth-
inghaveIdonethatisnoticeableandperceptible.Oneweek,andsomany
suchweeks,days,monthsandyearsarebeinglost,ohGod,donotmake
melostwiththepassingtime,donotmakemeforgotten,butIamlost
rightnow,amInot?Howharditistocometotermswiththisthought!
Iamreallyswifttotakeoffence,becomeanxious,butallthesame,
Icancalmdownquickly,indignationandresentmentpassesandgives
waytolove,benevolenceandsympathy.Inashorttime,Iamreadyto
forgivethepastandkisstheonewhoinsultedme.
Oh,soheavyistheburdenofsinsonahumanbeingandwhatagreat
sinnerIam!
IreturnedRenan’sApostleandinsteadtookRustaveli.Iamactually
hauntedby“TwoCommunisms.”
TodayIwastoldthatthereisabooktitledSocialismandReligion
byLunacharski.34ItmustbeinterestingtoswitchfromRenantoLu-
nacharski.Renanisapuregold,whichtriestogivescientificallysound
answers;heseemstobeadeeplyreligiouspersonwhobendshisknee
34AnatoliVasilievichLunacharsky(1875-1933)politicalfigure,writer,publicist,critic,and
literaturehistorian.During1917-1929servedasthePeople’sCommissarforEducationoftheSoviet
Russia.